What does God want from me?

Oh, la la.

Why am I even surprised? For someone like me who often defines terms using their opposites, this should have been everything but unexpected. I knew August was going to change some things and in a sense be a new beginning. Yes, my 1000th one, you must be thinking! But no, I think it’s my first God-initiated new beginning in a long time. The previous ones were just me being me. A new beginning is synonymous with an old ending and I thought the month was going to end uneventfully, only for its final week to turn out to be an orchestra of a katembalistic something. I’ve found myself helplessly watching as God takes everything I thought I had control over. I feel like He’s slapped me with responsibilities that I can’t handle but need to be taken care of. I need to get some stuff done but I feel like He's giving me no help. And then there's that word... WAIT.

I’m at a weird crossroads where I’m totally at peace but at the same time my heart is crying out, “Lord, what do You want from me, really?” Something like knowing God is in control but at the same time just this unrest that comes from feeling like I should be doing more. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped what I’m doing and said, “I mean, really, Daddy. Seriously. What?” It’s something like a mixture of an exasperated question (I tried it my way and You’ve shown me it won't work) and an Acts 9 experience (Okay, so I can see kicking against the goads is sooo not the business!).

Part of my personality is I have the ability to take initiative (why do I feel like there should be a “the” in there). So far, it has kind of caused me a lot of problems. I have taken the initiative to be friends with the wrong people and even gone on to take the initiative to pursue them when God removes them from my life. Looking back, I can see now that many of the things I have struggled with have been my own doing; started by me with nothing more than an attraction to what obviously was not good for me and a gut feeling that I personally created to assure myself that it would all work out.

Well, I need to work this stuff out. Right now, my mind is going, “I am too cute for this mess.” And no, that’s not a proud statement! I just think Jesus paid too much for me to struggle with some things. The cross took care of some of these things, honestly.

Oh, I don’t know.

Do you?