Ok, I'll go first. All August I’ve been telling myself I want to start over. A few days into the month, I realized that it’s the 8th month and 8 is the number of new beginnings. That motivated me a little bit. Then people close to me made accusations and implications that shocked me and that motivated me a little more. Finally, after praying and seeking counsel, I was convinced that getting a fresh start was the thing to do. I am now trying to make the necessary baby steps…

But starting over is so hard! There are so many things about my life right now that are really comfortable, and I normally don’t like it when things are disrupted in ways I can’t control. I like change, but only when I’m the initiator. That's why it's easy for me to change up my room or apartment but I struggle to deal with some new system my school or workplace suddenly springs on everyone. Sudden, unexpected change is almost like when I’m sitting on a couch watching a show or talking to someone. It’s nice and comfortable and I’ve warmed my seat so wonderfully (I know, the idea of a warm couch in this August heat is not the business but flow with me here!) and then I decide to get a drink. When I get back to the couch, I can’t remember the exact way I was sitting and I have to work on getting comfortable again! For me that can be so irritating.

Starting over is infinitely more difficult than trying to regain your comfort on a couch you got up from. There are no guarantees that you’ll get the same couch or one like it. The fresh start is not the problem. It’s tearing myself away from the familiar and preparing to face the discomfort that is the problem. Newness can be good if you want it but sometimes even then, there are so many questions. I’m moving on faith – leaving things behind that I thought I’d be going on with for years. The words, “To a land that I will show you” have been playing over and over in my mind for days now. For someone who loves to be in the know about what goes on in her life, that can be asking too much, but is there really any price too high to pay for the sake of my peace and a better walk?

What’s familiar isn’t always what’s best. And if I keep living in my past, I can’t receive the good things God has for me in the future. Right now my past feels like an intriguing movie that I can’t take my eyes away from. I have made so many mistakes, but righteousness isn’t about falling. Everyone falls. Those who don’t are hypocrites. Righteousness is about refusing to sit in the mud, and getting back up again even if it means seven times.

I think two months is sufficient grieving over an ended relationship. I can’t stagnate. It’s not the end of the world, and I’ve had to accept that I was not seen or appreciated for who I was. I have missed the mark, but I know where I went wrong and I’m willing to try again. Knowing how much it hurts to carelessly toss away something that you have prayed earnestly for is enough motivation for me to appreciate the gifts that God has given me.