Time of healing....

I typed this sometime back, about a month ago to be exact and I posted it on my blog which happens to be private. I typed it while crying, I felt alone, abandoned, deserted and all the emotions that come along. Some of the things do not connect but yes, that is how I was feeling. I hope this will start my healing and restoration process. The Lord spoke to me last night saying "And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, The cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, My great army which i sent among you" Joel 2:25. Come to think about it, I hate caterpillars; when I was a little girl, whenever I saw one that would spoil everything for me, my sleep, food etc. Let me share..

"I’m here wondering if like David, I should write down what I’m feeling right now(although I know its unexplainable), that it could bless someone in the times to come like the Psalms encourage many( A friend of mine who had gone through afflictions from a totally different angle, once told me that those things have now become her ministry). “My tears have been my meat day and night, While they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?……I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? Ps 42:3,9
I used to sing that Sunday school song “##…with Jesus in my boat(or heart I’ve forgotten) I can smile at the storms…..when I’m sailing home…” The storms have hit me from all sides of my life and all I can say is ‘ if Jesus is surely on my boat, then He must be fast asleep’ (Mark 4:38) because I feel like I’m drowning. But Lord You neither sleep nor slumber(Ps 121:4b). You promised You will never leave me nor forsake me. Lord where are You? I’m drowning, the waves are sweeping me over. You promised that You will not let me be tempted above what I’m able to handle (1 Cor 10:13), Lord has my faith gone down? I feel my knees are giving in. Lord where are You? I’m wondering how long did Job suffer for God to restore all that had been taken away from him? I have asked so many questions, I have cried, felt all the emotions that there are, hurt, rejection, failure, disappointment, anger etc
My heat is sinking, I feel like I’m suffocating, where is my God? When I call do You answer?, for You have promised that if we call upon You, You will answer (Jer 29:12; 33:3). Father do not let the enemy rejoice at my downfall, do not let the enemy rejoice. Hear my cry Lord unto You, I have trusted You do not let me put to shame. Lord if this is nightmare may I wake up from the sleep.
Lord hear my desperate cry, my humble cry, deliver me from the pit of the enemy.
As I was walking around town today I felt you speaking to my heart but right now I can't see any manifestation of the things you were laying on my heart. Or I cant hear you anymore, Father increase my faith to believe and trust in all Your promises to me."

I'm hopeful, I'm trusting and I'm going back to the place where its all about Him.

Will you join me?

What does God want from me?

Oh, la la.

Why am I even surprised? For someone like me who often defines terms using their opposites, this should have been everything but unexpected. I knew August was going to change some things and in a sense be a new beginning. Yes, my 1000th one, you must be thinking! But no, I think it’s my first God-initiated new beginning in a long time. The previous ones were just me being me. A new beginning is synonymous with an old ending and I thought the month was going to end uneventfully, only for its final week to turn out to be an orchestra of a katembalistic something. I’ve found myself helplessly watching as God takes everything I thought I had control over. I feel like He’s slapped me with responsibilities that I can’t handle but need to be taken care of. I need to get some stuff done but I feel like He's giving me no help. And then there's that word... WAIT.

I’m at a weird crossroads where I’m totally at peace but at the same time my heart is crying out, “Lord, what do You want from me, really?” Something like knowing God is in control but at the same time just this unrest that comes from feeling like I should be doing more. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stopped what I’m doing and said, “I mean, really, Daddy. Seriously. What?” It’s something like a mixture of an exasperated question (I tried it my way and You’ve shown me it won't work) and an Acts 9 experience (Okay, so I can see kicking against the goads is sooo not the business!).

Part of my personality is I have the ability to take initiative (why do I feel like there should be a “the” in there). So far, it has kind of caused me a lot of problems. I have taken the initiative to be friends with the wrong people and even gone on to take the initiative to pursue them when God removes them from my life. Looking back, I can see now that many of the things I have struggled with have been my own doing; started by me with nothing more than an attraction to what obviously was not good for me and a gut feeling that I personally created to assure myself that it would all work out.

Well, I need to work this stuff out. Right now, my mind is going, “I am too cute for this mess.” And no, that’s not a proud statement! I just think Jesus paid too much for me to struggle with some things. The cross took care of some of these things, honestly.

Oh, I don’t know.

Do you?

intro

wow lots of deepness going on up in here, i almost feel like i am here to learn and not to share but it would be so unfair for me to read about you all and not give a few of my experiences.

so we're quite the bunch, huh! i think on my own i have had enough experiences to cover for everyone - this year was so crazy, i separated from my husband for six months and in those six months discovered what fake friends i have! my goodness, its amazing the rejection you can suffer from those who are supposed to be your sisters in the faith. but am learning! i have learnt today that nobody can reject me if i dont first reject myself, you see if the orange in the post below does not know how sweet it is, it will forever resent the banana and the person who "rejected" it!

okay so this is just an introductory post, the stories could go on and on forever, but i cant give them all in one doze so i will keep it short and sweet for now and just announce to everyone, am a late comer but am heeeere! and no am not here to be celebrated, am not trying to show that "i have arrived", i mean AM HERE as in despite everything, AM STILL LIVING!

God is wonderful and he's been good to me!!!! amen!!

nice to meet all the wonderful bambejja and readers and future readers of this blog and always honoured to be a part!

paprika

Not easily derailed

No-one can derail any of us from the path that the sovereign God has laid out for us. He always gets His will done, using the very people who think they can toy with our lives. See how God used Joseph's brothers, as well as the plotting of the Jews to kill Jesus. Had they known...... Our obligation is to obey what He has commanded; He always keeps His own end of the deal. That, my sister, is a very comforting truth.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an episode of…

I’m kidding, but not really. While I don’t mean to rain on the interesting and moving prison story that began in the post below mine, I’ve got some thoughts that I need to type out while I can still be coherent.

“Using the very people who think they can toy with our lives.” That line, taken from an excerpt of a facebook status discussion, is deep and comforting to me on so many levels and I didn't really even notice it until just now. I’ve been thinking about insecurity, anger, jealousy, and the way people act like they do, and I have decided that one thing that explains a lot of actions is the desire for control, which can also be read as the fear of losing control.

I wanted to share a true story that I have told many times since it happened a few months ago but after I typed and read through it I was convicted by the fact that it would not be a very loving act, even if I have forgiven the person and even if she never reads it and even if she does read it and nobody but she and I get to know who she is.

Insecurity and manipulation are all born out of a desire to control other people in order for things to go our way. Babies learn early that if they cry, they will get milk. Some people take this on way into adulthood, which results in girls/women crying at every provocation to get what they want from their parents, friends, boyfriends, husbands, and then children. Men will sometimes shout, because their deep voices are intimidating and therefore get them what they want, too. Some men will call their exes just to massage their egos – “She talks to me, therefore I must be quite something.” He may be over the relationship, but while he waits on the next girl, he still wants that kick of knowing he is the don and still has a place and position (read: some level of control) in some woman’s heart. At the end of the day, all this is manipulation. People who harass and manipulate others are afraid of losing control and constantly want things to go their way because on some level they feel like it’s all about them.

We are all innately selfish, and by innate I mean it’s our fleshly/Adamic nature and remains in us hopefully subdued/controlled by the Holy Spirit for as long as we are in this realm. I always watch older siblings if I am present when Mummy comes home from the hospital with an intruder. They can get so jealous, I have seen some attempt to carry their younger siblings away from Mummy’s lap and sit there themselves. It’s understandable because they are suddenly jolted out of their comfort zone, now they have to share and be considerate and most importantly, their parents’ love is not theirs and theirs alone.

But we need to learn that life is not about just us. Hopefully by the time we approach adulthood, we realize that this is a planet with 6billion-plus people and limited resources that have to be shared out, and that rarely are these resources ever shared out fairly. When we understand our Source, we will know that no human being can affect our destiny. Why should I make it my life’s goal to ruin yours? If I know my God, I will depend on Him for completion and for my identity. When He renews my mind, I will understand that what people bring into my life does not make me who I am; it is simply additional to what I already have. Sure, it is a blessing, and even more so if it lasts. But if they take it (or themselves) away, then they have not made me any less of a person than I have been and will be! Because I am a child of God, if a person begins to become a god to me, the real God will take him or her away – in a way that will make me remember that truly, the Lord is God, and He loves me jealously.

Back to the baby thing. I cannot control another person. You can beat or shout a child into submission but for an adult, you never know; some people have made that mistake only to be responded to by a gun in the face. Some people want to control others because they have been rejected before but the truth is it might not even have been rejection, it could simply be that the person made a different choice. Why should an orange go and kill itself because I say I prefer bananas? The orange is not worse, nor is the banana better; I just have a different preference!

Variety is the spice of life and we were not all created the same so if we would learn to appreciate our differences, understand our callings and truly, truly get to know the inability of a person to ruin another’s destiny, then wow… I think we would make so much progress as women, as Africans, as the church… as children of God.

"And such as do wickedly against the covenant shall he corrupt by flatteries: but the people that do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits." - Daniel 11:32.

The Prison Cell Experience! (Part One)

20th February 2009 was a Friday. And i spent the night in a prison cell. I recount the moments freshly. I had never dreamt of sleeping in a prison cell. But the journeys of our lives can never be planned by any one except God. At some point i felt the Lord had betrayed me, he had put me to shame or has left me. And i can speak boldly that it taught me the importance of forgiveness because not for any thing can i let someone sleep in a prison cell.

A voice came in harshly. ''Officer, detain her! Take her statement and we are detaining her.'' Said the Assistant OC of Police. I had never heard about such words, but what i knew was that i was going to sleep in prison. I couldn't cry! My Mind was blank! The tears were with pain! Up to now, i tell people i can never explain the experience. The officer tried to drag on with time so that by the time i get into the cell, the male inmates would be asleep and so would not touch me and grab me or even sexually harass me. Yes, as you make your way to the women's prison cell, you pass through the male inmates cell. The atmosphere in the prison is like that of a boarding school but with denied priviledges of a bed, freedom, fresh air and the required number of meals a day.

I joined my fellow female inmates. We were three in the cell. Since the female inmates are clean, there is no bad stench from our side. Its just a big metallic gate that seperates the male and female inmates. ''Ngo olabye nebizibu bye kkomera,'' one of the elder inmates said to me. She quickly found me a mat and blanket all which had a slight urine stench. They also improvised for me a pillow which was folds of another blanket. I couldn't even rest my head on them. My fellow inmates seemed comfortable with the prison life. I sat and all i could do is stare blankly in the air. I didnot know what to think, i didnot know what to say to God. My mind was blank.

My heart wanted to hate everyone involved, but i couldn't. Instead i felt soo much love in my heart. I felt a sense of peace and a voice tell me everything is going to be okay. But my human flesh would not feel all this. Again i must say, my mind was blank. I rested my head on the improvised pillow, pulled my body together and tried to get some sleep.

To be continued......

Hmm!

You’d think by now I’d be immune to bad news, but I still hate it when I’ve been hoping for something and it doesn’t work out… It’s such a bummer! I’ve prayed, and thought that this is what was going to happen, but because it hasn’t gone as expected, I now have to go back to the drawing-board and ask, is the answer coming in a different way from what I expected, or is the answer no?

Anyway, in an unrelated bulletin… it’s such a blessing to be loved by someone who knows you inside out. Jesus has done that for me, but it was really healing for me to hear someone say a while back… “I have seen you on your good days and on your not-so-good days. I have watched you grow; I have seen you struggle to stay afloat – I STILL LOVE YOU. You have the ability to bless and irritate me with the same intensity, but I have counted the cost of loving you and am ready to face whatever it takes. I’m not going anywhere. I have no problem with you healing, but at least let me into that wall you’ve built around yourself – with no pressure, just as your friend.”

One of the many tongue-tying moments I have had this year. I don't know why I remembered it today.

WAIT!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried,
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By Faith, I have asked, and I am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to "WAIT"?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master said once again, "Child, you must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."

It's raining!!!!

There is a heavy down pour outside and I wish I could go out and play in the rain. You know run around and get all wet and dripping. Without a care in the world, just let go and be wild for a few minutes...not caring that i may get sick or have to take a warm shower after that or even the fact that my mum would not approve and might think I have gone bonkers. Well right now it is such a tempting thought....I have a big grin on my face!!!

Then I realise how much I have grown and how I think through every action, thought and word before I say or do it. I mean, I even question God, he says this and I have tons of questions before I obey! amazing what happens when we grow. Lord I want that innocence back, where I trust that even in the rains of my life you take care of me.

So I continue to watch the rain fall and it makes me smile, I wonder why. Maybe it's coz I know I will never understand how God is able to create such beauty and still say I was His best creation, with His likeness in mind. Visualise this with me if you will, raindrops from the cloud, forming puddles and water flowing...the change it creates in the atmosphere, the smell of the rain kissing the earth and the earth just drinking it in like it's very life depends on it...ooooooohhhhh....I am officially in Love with the guy who is able to make all that happen. I mean right now the plants are having a field day, I mean my future husband to be (when I meet him) has no excuse for not getting me flowers! He makes all things beautiful!

And after all this my creator created all this for me to enjoy. I'm not sure this is going to make sense or encourage anyone but hey, I was just thinking...

Just Wondering

Hi Princesses!

Today I have a few questions. Have you ever had so much going on around you and then suddenly just stopped and asked yourself where it’s all leading? What does God want from us as women and as individuals? Is it possible to come up with one definition for what a real woman is, or is it something like a journey that you have to keep learning as you go? Are there any struggles that every single woman can empathize with, or do we each have completely unique experiences? ... Maybe a little bit of both? How can you know if you’re doing your level best? Because I don’t think it means we have to be dropping down every day, exhausted, or going on and on like an Energizer Bunny and giving of ourselves until we have no strength left in us to build ourselves.

Just wondering…

Ok, I'll go first. All August I’ve been telling myself I want to start over. A few days into the month, I realized that it’s the 8th month and 8 is the number of new beginnings. That motivated me a little bit. Then people close to me made accusations and implications that shocked me and that motivated me a little more. Finally, after praying and seeking counsel, I was convinced that getting a fresh start was the thing to do. I am now trying to make the necessary baby steps…

But starting over is so hard! There are so many things about my life right now that are really comfortable, and I normally don’t like it when things are disrupted in ways I can’t control. I like change, but only when I’m the initiator. That's why it's easy for me to change up my room or apartment but I struggle to deal with some new system my school or workplace suddenly springs on everyone. Sudden, unexpected change is almost like when I’m sitting on a couch watching a show or talking to someone. It’s nice and comfortable and I’ve warmed my seat so wonderfully (I know, the idea of a warm couch in this August heat is not the business but flow with me here!) and then I decide to get a drink. When I get back to the couch, I can’t remember the exact way I was sitting and I have to work on getting comfortable again! For me that can be so irritating.

Starting over is infinitely more difficult than trying to regain your comfort on a couch you got up from. There are no guarantees that you’ll get the same couch or one like it. The fresh start is not the problem. It’s tearing myself away from the familiar and preparing to face the discomfort that is the problem. Newness can be good if you want it but sometimes even then, there are so many questions. I’m moving on faith – leaving things behind that I thought I’d be going on with for years. The words, “To a land that I will show you” have been playing over and over in my mind for days now. For someone who loves to be in the know about what goes on in her life, that can be asking too much, but is there really any price too high to pay for the sake of my peace and a better walk?

What’s familiar isn’t always what’s best. And if I keep living in my past, I can’t receive the good things God has for me in the future. Right now my past feels like an intriguing movie that I can’t take my eyes away from. I have made so many mistakes, but righteousness isn’t about falling. Everyone falls. Those who don’t are hypocrites. Righteousness is about refusing to sit in the mud, and getting back up again even if it means seven times.

I think two months is sufficient grieving over an ended relationship. I can’t stagnate. It’s not the end of the world, and I’ve had to accept that I was not seen or appreciated for who I was. I have missed the mark, but I know where I went wrong and I’m willing to try again. Knowing how much it hurts to carelessly toss away something that you have prayed earnestly for is enough motivation for me to appreciate the gifts that God has given me.

Who Goes First?

May God bless this blog and its writers,
May the entries edify the people He has appointed to be touched by it,
May everyone who shares be blessed in their giving,
May we one day look back and thank Him for the distance we've covered...
And may Jesus get the glory for everything.
In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen.

"He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake." - Psalm 23:3.

"And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it." - Psalm 90:17.