Veiled Selfishness

I've been reading and getting blessed and I realized I'm struggling with the “me” factor as well.

I know what God expects of me, at least in this season. My struggle is not so much where He is leading me, but rather what He expects of me. As immature and misplaced as it may sound in the midst of this flow of blessed blog entries, my question for weeks has been, “Why me?” For some time now, I have had this desire to be lost in the crowd, inconspicuous, taking notes with everyone else and yet several times things have happened to thurst me into small, unwanted limelights here and there. Every attempt to hide has backfired.

I long to help in kingdom-building, but I feel like it's for “those people.” The Jaspers, King's Princesses and Crystals who have tilled the ground of their relationship with the Lord and have a “flawless” and “seamless” past that they can look to as backup for their qualification. Sounds ridiculous, right? I realize just how hilarious it is as I type it out.

Kingdom-builders have to look beyond not just their wants (she's dying of cancer but I want a Benz so how do I pray? Healing, Benz, Healing, Benz... Benz!) but also their inadequacies. Selfishness exists also in the form of self-focus, self-doubt, self-pity, low self-esteem and many other self-s. My pastor once said that there is no such thing as a low self-esteem. We all love ourselves too much. The example he gave was of a young woman who cuts herself and says “I hate myself! I'm ugly!” That statement gives her away because if she truly hated herself, she would be glad that she was ugly.

But I digress. Focusing on our inadequacies exposes the fleshly desire for the glorification of the self. At first sight, thinking about our weaknesses might look like humility, but the reality is it is veiled pride that sometimes even causes fear. The reason I ask myself, “Why me?” is because on some level that would have remained undiscovered without the grace of God, I only want to be exposed when I am as “perfect” as I perceive others to be or as I long to be. I don't want anyone to see my weak side.

Many times self-focus is actually the result of covetousness and comparisons - some people go out and do something dramatic because their life is too “drab” and they want to have a testimony to match someone else's.

God is not as interested in our happiness as He is in our holiness. Getting to that point where our desire is to please Him and Him alone is a difficult journey and we will fight this fight every day of our lives on this side of eternity. The flesh has to be killed, and many times, mercilessly so - “So kill (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God).” - Colossians 3:5, AMP.

I copied this verse for the first part, that says “mortify the deeds of the flesh,” in the KJV, but I love that it says here that idolatry is the deifying of self instead of God. Timely word.

Blessings and thanks ladies for the beautiful and encouraging entries - we're never alone.

The Kingdom is growing indeed... cont

Its amazing that people who are on this blog can think soo much alike, go through soo much the same experiences and can share them freely. I am thankful for this blog.

Jasper, i too am at that moment in my life where i find my self continously at God's feet. Sometimes i wonder that i may take soo much time fixing myself and yet not be able to be a neighbour, sister, minister among others. I too reach a point where i get confused and am like do i even understand God's word any more. Do i make sense when God has given me a specific message for someone and i have to pray for them, pray with them and share it with them. There is a certain longing of inadequacy and unquencheable longing that still lingers soo much. No matter how i pray, fast, or even throw myself in the presence of God. So am like, how long will it take to fix me? Do i fix me while still being the kingdom builder?

And just like Cry, am tired of the selfishness and ''ME'' factor in the church. People will go to the mountain to fast and pray 6 months on till God has given them a job while ignoring the sister's child that is bedridden with cancer. Sometimes am like where is the love? Why cant we also tear our clothes for the sake of another person? Why isn't there carrying of one anothers burden any more?

I want to begin a journey of dying to self for the sake of the gospel. In order for God to be revealed, then i have got to die and i mean totally die. Where my senses have fully become his. I am crying to the lord to help me reach a point of death so that its not any more me, but him who takes over.



To Ponder: A life vest on a sinking boat can't help if u don't put it on. Sitting in church won't help you if you don't take the word...and put it on.

The Kingdom is growing indeed

Cry, I am beginning to think we should link, I think we are on the same page in so many ways. Yes, as Christians we have settled to just barely make to heaven. I went to a prayer meeting yesterday and I was sharing on selfishness. I believe that as Christians it has become about us, about how God can see me through, how God can provide this for me....it's a me thing and yet so much is happening in the body Christ that does not please, that doesn't glorify His name...and we are turning the other way. We don't want to make enemies or to offend anyone...besides, salvation is a personal thing right? Well I am tired of that, I am tired of living for me, I am tired of watching and keeping quiet and not using what God has placed in me. I am tired of being selfish and not loving the way I should.

Mordecai told Esther, maybe you were placed in the Kingdom for such a time as this. I don't have to be in everybody's business, don't get me wrong I will not tread where it is not necessary but I will not let those that I can influence get away with just barely making it to heaven.

Been reading the book of Ezra and there is a part where he finds out that the Jews had intermarried and he just tore his clothes and wailed before the Lord in repentance and I was thinking....well...that is extreme Lord! And the Lord told me, how many of my people today have settled in their marriages and who has cried out on their behalf. When the Lord said light shall not mix with darkness, He meant and not just then, even now. I looked around and as Christians the sins that surround us have almost become part of us. We cant even tell yourselves apart. we are not separated enough to feel the heart beat of God.

It's scary I must say, coz then I think where do I draw the line and He says I will take you only where I can sustain you. So I don't pick my fights, He does coz then I know He can win them. We are not here to fight against everything that comes but we can show the way, we can give a sense of direction and where we can lead we will. All we have to do is be available to be used for the glory of our Father in heaven. He alone is Holy.

So I am beginning and unknown journey and the only instructions I have are let no man take my glory. It's about His glory, His people, His chosen ones...I am just honored to be part of it.

the Kingdom is growing, so am i.

i really do identify with Jasper's post down there. somehow, i feel a longing, a calling, a tugging, a something at the bottom of my heart; i wonder where God is leading me too? i wonder what it is.

of late, i am encountering a lot of Christians from various Churches who are marching into a Kingdom-building phase. my friend Joseph explained to me how most of us Christians have been comfortable in a 'house-keeping' phase. the house-keeping lifestyle is the kind where a person gets saved, repents, joins Church, joins a Church ministry, gets a job, works during the weekdays, comes to Church on Sundays, ministers in Church, goes home, goes back to work on Monday, gets married somewhere down the lifeline, gets children, introduces them to Christ, brings the family to Church on Sunday, takes the kids to school on Monday, ... dies and goes to Heaven, safe and sound. in pastor Gary's words, the housekeeping Christians 'get cleansed from their sin by accepting Christ then go to Church and try and hang on to each other long enough so as to still be hanging on when Christ comes back to sort the world out'.

more and more Christians today are becoming Kingdom-builders. the Kingdom builders do what the Church in Acts did. they do what Jesus did. they go out into the world and make disciples of nations. in our world today, that includes entering the spheres of business, media, politics, law, social works, science, the Church itself and so on;- being joseph's and daniel's in our communities, worshipping our God so faithfully such that the laws of the nations will be caused to change when people see us. king darius changed the worship laws in his land after seeing everything about daniel, didn't he?

i want to be a Kingdom-builder. in my quest to do so, i have found that i have to start somewhere, and that somewhere is myself. the ones who will rule with God and have authority over 'nations' are the ones who obey Him. they are the ones who are His friends and good and faithful servants (John 15). the first time i understood this, i thought this was easy. i didn't know the deep-rooted fear i harboured!! i didn't know that i could be so insecure that i'd find it hard to trust that God would ensure 'good' results if i did the unconventional things He told me to. i'd always known that fear is just being scared to do something. now i think fear is the state of not knowing more indepth how much God loves u. it's like the level of fear u have is indirectly proportional to your knowing how much He loves u. i didn't know that i did not trust God with all my heart. i thought i was a good kid! but if i trusted God, it would be easier to step out of my comfort zone and walk on water at least a few steps.

starting with yourself means starting with your whole self. it means continual submission and surrender to God;- i always think i am surrendered until God shows me some unsurrendered hidden area in my life. i'd never have known about some things God finds in my heart if i didn't throw myself at his feet fearlessly coz i know He loves me and wants to work things out in me. i so much want to be one of those Christians whom the gates of hell can not prevail against, but i can not be so, if i let the devil discourage me easily, if i'm sensitive to all the 'insensitive' things people say to me, if i allow depression or confusion or unnecessary sadness in my life;- ie, if i don't cling to God's Words and His promises and His truth about me. i can not be such a Christian if i don't grow up.

now that i want to be a Kingdom-builder, one of my newest goals for life is to see that nothing domintes me except the will of God. so help me God!!