for the last five years, i've been struggling to gain weight.
five years ago, i was always marginalised for being too small and skinny. noone ever took me seriously. when i was joining university, everyone thought i was in S.3 or something like that. when i was in a group, people never distributed 'serious' tasks to me because i looked too young, even when i knew i was capable. i was determined to gain a few pounds so that i could look like a real African woman.
after all the fattening diets and prayers, i've finally gained about five kilos and i'm loving my weight, but now, everyone is telling me how guys don't want to marry big ladies. actually, the same guys who thought i looked too young and small to be married to anyone are now telling me i shouldn't gain any more weight and that i should even lose some because 'what will happen when i give birth' and well, it's just generally nicer to have a small woman. when did this happen? i've just spent the last five years trying to conform to one trend only to be blown in the face being told it's now the wrong trend. when did Africans start accepting, appreciating and almost start worshipping small women like us?what happened to things like 'african men like big women'. and even apart from the men factor, the big women who used to look down on me with contempt are now fighting to be my size. is there anything in the Bible about small being better than big, (or big being better than small), or has the media gotten to us?
Ladies, i will paraphrase what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes in a few words; - don't rely on these trends!! they are all nothing! this 'skinny is better' trend will pass away as effectively as the 'bigger is better' trend did, and then you'll all be fighting to be i don't know what next. what matters is that you are able to understand what the Lord requires of you, and that you can then obey Him and live for Him. Love yourself the way you are so that you can be able to love others, and be what God wants you to be despite what the trends demand of you. If God wants you to be bigger or smaller, it can be done, but as long as you are fit and healthy, don't go to extremes to be something you are not! it's so not worth it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Faithful God
I've been away so long that I forgot the password.
I've been away long enough to look back through these posts and declare that we all have evidence of God's faithfulness. I really want to scream but I'll contain myself as is becoming of all bambejja.
Here's a quote from Max Lucado:
Remain blessed
I've been away long enough to look back through these posts and declare that we all have evidence of God's faithfulness. I really want to scream but I'll contain myself as is becoming of all bambejja.
Here's a quote from Max Lucado:
Don't march into battle with the enemy without first claiming the courage from God's promises. May I give you a few examples?
When you are confused: " 'I know what I am planning for you,' says the Lord. 'I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you' " (Jer 29:11 NCV).
If you feel weighted by yesterday's failures: "So now, those who are in Christ Jesus are not judged guilty" (Rom 8:1 NCV).
On those nights when you wonder where God is: "I am the Holy One, and I am among you" (Hos 11:9 NCV).
Remain blessed
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The contents of this cup
Watch oh saviour
The contents of this cup
Will it be heavier?
I drink of its bitterness
My toungue is numb
My lips are sore
One gallop scrapes my heart
What then is this cup?
Could you take it away?
Watch oh Saviour
The contents of this cup
May i finish to the end
The contents of this cup
Will it be heavier?
I drink of its bitterness
My toungue is numb
My lips are sore
One gallop scrapes my heart
What then is this cup?
Could you take it away?
Watch oh Saviour
The contents of this cup
May i finish to the end
Monday, July 19, 2010
Our deepest desires
I love the Lord because He is a true friend. He understands us better than we understand ourselves and He sees the depths of our beings more clearly than we see the light of day.
God appears to people in their lowest moments just to tell them “I know how you’re feeling, and I’m here for you,” or “Be courageous – you are a winner.” I woke up today and in the book of Acts I read how the Lord encouraged Paul in his trials, telling him that it was not over and that He had work for Paul to do. After Paul had appeared before the Pharisees and Sadducees on what was probably a very stressful day, the Bible tells us that That night, the Lord stood by him and said, Be of good cheer, Paul, for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome. (Acts 23:11.) The way I understand it today is “Paul, I am with you. I’m not done with you yet, and nobody can take you out before your time. Be encouraged.”
I have a friend I haven’t spoken to all year. The last words I heard from her were “Can you call me later?” When I asked for a specific time, she uncomfortably said, “Later.” I understood that she probably needed space, and I gave it to her. After that, I lost her number.
I think about her on and off, just wondering how she is and what is going on with her. I pray for her when she comes to mind. I’ve had two dreams about her this year but overall I’ve been very good about trying to lie low and give her her space. I occasionally go back to times when we prayed together about certain things. Once in a while, I will see something and laugh, and wish I could share it with her because she would get it in a way others probably would not. I tell myself that maybe God has asked her to keep away from me. That sends me on a bit of a guilt trip, because I then ask myself, “Am I the kind of person from whom God would tell others to keep away?”
I had another dream about her last night. A year ago, her life was in a shambles; things were a mess for me, too... I think all of us bambejja were doing some serious "going through." The dream was so vivid and we were so happy that when I opened my eyes, I was disappointed to find that it was just a dream, and said, “God, I’m trying to move on. Why do I keep dreaming about her?”
And God said to me, “Well, I just wanted to let you know she is okay.” And it was right after that that I opened my Bible to the book of Acts and understood that even in the things for which I do not think I need to be comforted, the Lord is always my Faithful Comforter. Maybe I will not hear from her again until we meet in the age to come. Maybe I will. God knows how that will go. Maybe she is going through some tough times and the events and joy in the dream were not literal. Maybe she truly is joyful and having a good time. I hope so. God knows. And He says, regardless of what it looks like, what has happened and what is to come, "She is okay."
God appears to people in their lowest moments just to tell them “I know how you’re feeling, and I’m here for you,” or “Be courageous – you are a winner.” I woke up today and in the book of Acts I read how the Lord encouraged Paul in his trials, telling him that it was not over and that He had work for Paul to do. After Paul had appeared before the Pharisees and Sadducees on what was probably a very stressful day, the Bible tells us that That night, the Lord stood by him and said, Be of good cheer, Paul, for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome. (Acts 23:11.) The way I understand it today is “Paul, I am with you. I’m not done with you yet, and nobody can take you out before your time. Be encouraged.”
I have a friend I haven’t spoken to all year. The last words I heard from her were “Can you call me later?” When I asked for a specific time, she uncomfortably said, “Later.” I understood that she probably needed space, and I gave it to her. After that, I lost her number.
I think about her on and off, just wondering how she is and what is going on with her. I pray for her when she comes to mind. I’ve had two dreams about her this year but overall I’ve been very good about trying to lie low and give her her space. I occasionally go back to times when we prayed together about certain things. Once in a while, I will see something and laugh, and wish I could share it with her because she would get it in a way others probably would not. I tell myself that maybe God has asked her to keep away from me. That sends me on a bit of a guilt trip, because I then ask myself, “Am I the kind of person from whom God would tell others to keep away?”
I had another dream about her last night. A year ago, her life was in a shambles; things were a mess for me, too... I think all of us bambejja were doing some serious "going through." The dream was so vivid and we were so happy that when I opened my eyes, I was disappointed to find that it was just a dream, and said, “God, I’m trying to move on. Why do I keep dreaming about her?”
And God said to me, “Well, I just wanted to let you know she is okay.” And it was right after that that I opened my Bible to the book of Acts and understood that even in the things for which I do not think I need to be comforted, the Lord is always my Faithful Comforter. Maybe I will not hear from her again until we meet in the age to come. Maybe I will. God knows how that will go. Maybe she is going through some tough times and the events and joy in the dream were not literal. Maybe she truly is joyful and having a good time. I hope so. God knows. And He says, regardless of what it looks like, what has happened and what is to come, "She is okay."
He's got her. And I trust Him to keep her! May the Lord continually watch over you, my friend!
Monday, April 19, 2010
kingdom-building motivation
reading this Green Card issue, and remembering what was written about veiled selfishness, i am reminded of someting i always ask myself; what motivated Jesus to want to chase demons out of people? and what motivates me to want to chase demons out of people? the answers to these two questions are still not the same, though they are less different from when i first questioned myself.
first, my answer to the 2nd question was that it is generally a good thing to help people, - God will be pleased with me if i work towards this. later i realised that Chritianity is about being like Jesus, so i thought to myself, chasing the demons away will make me more like Jesus and therefore increase my chances of going to Heaven. fortunately, i found myself in an actual situation of praying for someone through whom demons were manifesting. we prayed until the person was set free, and it was all so cool! so that was my next reason; pride. imagine being called Crystal the demon-chaser. lol. but still later on when God had mercy on me and drew my worship away from myself and back to Him, i got a revelation about His Kingdom. and i thought to myself, 'so this is why Christ did what He did; He was initiating the Kingdom-building business'. so i have thrown myself into it all; when the Church calls us to do seed projects and reach out to the community, i am there; for sure, i want to be like Christ. i pray, i attend the Bible studies, cell, etc, everything that looks like it will help me build God's Kingdom. and when i read about people sitting on thrones next to God, about God saying things like well-done good and faithful servant, i want to work extra hard and be extra good and be extra obedient to Him and do things extra right so He can say the same words to me on that day. who doesn't want to sit on a throne next to God and rule with Him?! but then even after working hard to ensure these promises for myself, at the end of the day, i still feel like God is 'there' and i am way over 'here'. i still feel like i am not 'good enough' and go back to my to-do list to see if i am one step closer to assuring a place right next to Him in Heaven. and sometimes, compared to what others have done, i think i've probably done a lot of good things. but then why the distance? and i remind myself that it is accepting Christ in my heart that pleases God more than my works ever could. i remember that obedience is better than sacrifice. i remember that there is nothing i could ever do or not do that would make God love me more. and then i realise that it is God Himself that i want right now. intimacy with Him. and i wonder, did Christ ever feel this way after all that He did? did He still feel the need to be one with God's heart? but then He is God. He was already one with God's heart. He probably didn't need to do anything more to get there. so then why did He do all those things? why did He roam about the earth trying to build God's Kingdom if that's not what got Him closer to God's heart? then the answer comes;
John 3:16, 'for God so loved the world that He gave His only Son...' ; 1John 4:9, 'this is how God showed His love among us; He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.' ; 1 John 4:11, 'dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.' ; John 15:9-14, 'as the father has loved me, so have i loved you. now remain in my love. if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as i have obeyed my father's commands and remain in His love...my command is this: Love each other as i have loved you. greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down His life for His friends. you are my friends if you do what i command.' ; plus John 17:3, 21, and 23, and the rest of the chapter, etc.
Love. is this the reason Christ did everything He did? remember 1Cor 13. prophecies will cease, tongues will be stilled, knowledge will pass away, but love is the greatest of the three that will remain. i can do everything by the books;- the seed projects, the Bible studies and all, but if i don't have love... among its characteristics, love is not self-seeking. is it possible that when Jesus was chasing those demons, He was not seeking anything for Himself? that He wasn't even doing it coz He knew His reward was sitting at the right hand of the father at the end of His mission? He said He has loved us the way our father has loved Him, and we can remain in His love by obeying Him. this love, was this His motivation? is it the reason for everything? after all, God is love...
what motivated Jesus to chase demons out of people? what motivates me to want to do the same? i pray that the answers to these questions will become the same. so help me God.
first, my answer to the 2nd question was that it is generally a good thing to help people, - God will be pleased with me if i work towards this. later i realised that Chritianity is about being like Jesus, so i thought to myself, chasing the demons away will make me more like Jesus and therefore increase my chances of going to Heaven. fortunately, i found myself in an actual situation of praying for someone through whom demons were manifesting. we prayed until the person was set free, and it was all so cool! so that was my next reason; pride. imagine being called Crystal the demon-chaser. lol. but still later on when God had mercy on me and drew my worship away from myself and back to Him, i got a revelation about His Kingdom. and i thought to myself, 'so this is why Christ did what He did; He was initiating the Kingdom-building business'. so i have thrown myself into it all; when the Church calls us to do seed projects and reach out to the community, i am there; for sure, i want to be like Christ. i pray, i attend the Bible studies, cell, etc, everything that looks like it will help me build God's Kingdom. and when i read about people sitting on thrones next to God, about God saying things like well-done good and faithful servant, i want to work extra hard and be extra good and be extra obedient to Him and do things extra right so He can say the same words to me on that day. who doesn't want to sit on a throne next to God and rule with Him?! but then even after working hard to ensure these promises for myself, at the end of the day, i still feel like God is 'there' and i am way over 'here'. i still feel like i am not 'good enough' and go back to my to-do list to see if i am one step closer to assuring a place right next to Him in Heaven. and sometimes, compared to what others have done, i think i've probably done a lot of good things. but then why the distance? and i remind myself that it is accepting Christ in my heart that pleases God more than my works ever could. i remember that obedience is better than sacrifice. i remember that there is nothing i could ever do or not do that would make God love me more. and then i realise that it is God Himself that i want right now. intimacy with Him. and i wonder, did Christ ever feel this way after all that He did? did He still feel the need to be one with God's heart? but then He is God. He was already one with God's heart. He probably didn't need to do anything more to get there. so then why did He do all those things? why did He roam about the earth trying to build God's Kingdom if that's not what got Him closer to God's heart? then the answer comes;
John 3:16, 'for God so loved the world that He gave His only Son...' ; 1John 4:9, 'this is how God showed His love among us; He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.' ; 1 John 4:11, 'dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.' ; John 15:9-14, 'as the father has loved me, so have i loved you. now remain in my love. if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as i have obeyed my father's commands and remain in His love...my command is this: Love each other as i have loved you. greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down His life for His friends. you are my friends if you do what i command.' ; plus John 17:3, 21, and 23, and the rest of the chapter, etc.
Love. is this the reason Christ did everything He did? remember 1Cor 13. prophecies will cease, tongues will be stilled, knowledge will pass away, but love is the greatest of the three that will remain. i can do everything by the books;- the seed projects, the Bible studies and all, but if i don't have love... among its characteristics, love is not self-seeking. is it possible that when Jesus was chasing those demons, He was not seeking anything for Himself? that He wasn't even doing it coz He knew His reward was sitting at the right hand of the father at the end of His mission? He said He has loved us the way our father has loved Him, and we can remain in His love by obeying Him. this love, was this His motivation? is it the reason for everything? after all, God is love...
what motivated Jesus to chase demons out of people? what motivates me to want to do the same? i pray that the answers to these questions will become the same. so help me God.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Green Card
It’s truly amazing that even among the supposedly spiritually mature, there is such a thing as a friend with benefits. It’s not necessarily sexual, though it sometimes may be - how else do you explain that 'godly' man who soon insists on sleeping with you? But there are people who will be your friends because they see you as a stepping stone en route to their destination, and the minute you stop being useful to that effect, they cease to be your friend.
I remember one gospel minister telling me that she was supposed to go and give a talk somewhere, but found out that the team that called her did not even want to take care of her accommodation or transport. She refused to go and that’s understandable because these are difficult economic times and to be honest if you call someone to speak on a powerful topic for free, the least you can do is give them bus fare and a place to lay their heads.
When they realized she was not going to go, instead of trying to find even the cheapest means to get her there, they asked her to email them her notes so that they could read from them.
“Those people just wanted to use me,” she said. Thankfully, she spotted it and knowing her, I am sure she told them off.
People will use you, even in the church and you have to be ready to spot the phonies at first sight, or else you will end up embittered and frustrated at the wrong level of the battle. The devil is a liar… that’s all he’s good for and he will even lie to you that you have a friend (or that you don’t have one) so that your purposes are frustrated. I’ve had my own share of users in the past and I know firsthand that it’s important to go slow, and observe people carefully when things are not going their way, because that’s when you will see their true character. Either the phone calls will cease, the love will wax cold and the rumours will begin to flow, or they will continue in tough times to be the same people they have been in the good times.
Blessings, ladies!
I remember one gospel minister telling me that she was supposed to go and give a talk somewhere, but found out that the team that called her did not even want to take care of her accommodation or transport. She refused to go and that’s understandable because these are difficult economic times and to be honest if you call someone to speak on a powerful topic for free, the least you can do is give them bus fare and a place to lay their heads.
When they realized she was not going to go, instead of trying to find even the cheapest means to get her there, they asked her to email them her notes so that they could read from them.
“Those people just wanted to use me,” she said. Thankfully, she spotted it and knowing her, I am sure she told them off.
People will use you, even in the church and you have to be ready to spot the phonies at first sight, or else you will end up embittered and frustrated at the wrong level of the battle. The devil is a liar… that’s all he’s good for and he will even lie to you that you have a friend (or that you don’t have one) so that your purposes are frustrated. I’ve had my own share of users in the past and I know firsthand that it’s important to go slow, and observe people carefully when things are not going their way, because that’s when you will see their true character. Either the phone calls will cease, the love will wax cold and the rumours will begin to flow, or they will continue in tough times to be the same people they have been in the good times.
Blessings, ladies!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Veiled Selfishness
I've been reading and getting blessed and I realized I'm struggling with the “me” factor as well.
I know what God expects of me, at least in this season. My struggle is not so much where He is leading me, but rather what He expects of me. As immature and misplaced as it may sound in the midst of this flow of blessed blog entries, my question for weeks has been, “Why me?” For some time now, I have had this desire to be lost in the crowd, inconspicuous, taking notes with everyone else and yet several times things have happened to thurst me into small, unwanted limelights here and there. Every attempt to hide has backfired.
I long to help in kingdom-building, but I feel like it's for “those people.” The Jaspers, King's Princesses and Crystals who have tilled the ground of their relationship with the Lord and have a “flawless” and “seamless” past that they can look to as backup for their qualification. Sounds ridiculous, right? I realize just how hilarious it is as I type it out.
Kingdom-builders have to look beyond not just their wants (she's dying of cancer but I want a Benz so how do I pray? Healing, Benz, Healing, Benz... Benz!) but also their inadequacies. Selfishness exists also in the form of self-focus, self-doubt, self-pity, low self-esteem and many other self-s. My pastor once said that there is no such thing as a low self-esteem. We all love ourselves too much. The example he gave was of a young woman who cuts herself and says “I hate myself! I'm ugly!” That statement gives her away because if she truly hated herself, she would be glad that she was ugly.
But I digress. Focusing on our inadequacies exposes the fleshly desire for the glorification of the self. At first sight, thinking about our weaknesses might look like humility, but the reality is it is veiled pride that sometimes even causes fear. The reason I ask myself, “Why me?” is because on some level that would have remained undiscovered without the grace of God, I only want to be exposed when I am as “perfect” as I perceive others to be or as I long to be. I don't want anyone to see my weak side.
I know what God expects of me, at least in this season. My struggle is not so much where He is leading me, but rather what He expects of me. As immature and misplaced as it may sound in the midst of this flow of blessed blog entries, my question for weeks has been, “Why me?” For some time now, I have had this desire to be lost in the crowd, inconspicuous, taking notes with everyone else and yet several times things have happened to thurst me into small, unwanted limelights here and there. Every attempt to hide has backfired.
I long to help in kingdom-building, but I feel like it's for “those people.” The Jaspers, King's Princesses and Crystals who have tilled the ground of their relationship with the Lord and have a “flawless” and “seamless” past that they can look to as backup for their qualification. Sounds ridiculous, right? I realize just how hilarious it is as I type it out.
Kingdom-builders have to look beyond not just their wants (she's dying of cancer but I want a Benz so how do I pray? Healing, Benz, Healing, Benz... Benz!) but also their inadequacies. Selfishness exists also in the form of self-focus, self-doubt, self-pity, low self-esteem and many other self-s. My pastor once said that there is no such thing as a low self-esteem. We all love ourselves too much. The example he gave was of a young woman who cuts herself and says “I hate myself! I'm ugly!” That statement gives her away because if she truly hated herself, she would be glad that she was ugly.
But I digress. Focusing on our inadequacies exposes the fleshly desire for the glorification of the self. At first sight, thinking about our weaknesses might look like humility, but the reality is it is veiled pride that sometimes even causes fear. The reason I ask myself, “Why me?” is because on some level that would have remained undiscovered without the grace of God, I only want to be exposed when I am as “perfect” as I perceive others to be or as I long to be. I don't want anyone to see my weak side.
Many times self-focus is actually the result of covetousness and comparisons - some people go out and do something dramatic because their life is too “drab” and they want to have a testimony to match someone else's.
God is not as interested in our happiness as He is in our holiness. Getting to that point where our desire is to please Him and Him alone is a difficult journey and we will fight this fight every day of our lives on this side of eternity. The flesh has to be killed, and many times, mercilessly so - “So kill (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God).” - Colossians 3:5, AMP.
I copied this verse for the first part, that says “mortify the deeds of the flesh,” in the KJV, but I love that it says here that idolatry is the deifying of self instead of God. Timely word.
Blessings and thanks ladies for the beautiful and encouraging entries - we're never alone.
God is not as interested in our happiness as He is in our holiness. Getting to that point where our desire is to please Him and Him alone is a difficult journey and we will fight this fight every day of our lives on this side of eternity. The flesh has to be killed, and many times, mercilessly so - “So kill (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God).” - Colossians 3:5, AMP.
I copied this verse for the first part, that says “mortify the deeds of the flesh,” in the KJV, but I love that it says here that idolatry is the deifying of self instead of God. Timely word.
Blessings and thanks ladies for the beautiful and encouraging entries - we're never alone.
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