trends!

for the last five years, i've been struggling to gain weight.

five years ago, i was always marginalised for being too small and skinny. noone ever took me seriously. when i was joining university, everyone thought i was in S.3 or something like that. when i was in a group, people never distributed 'serious' tasks to me because i looked too young, even when i knew i was capable. i was determined to gain a few pounds so that i could look like a real African woman.

after all the fattening diets and prayers, i've finally gained about five kilos and i'm loving my weight, but now, everyone is telling me how guys don't want to marry big ladies. actually, the same guys who thought i looked too young and small to be married to anyone are now telling me i shouldn't gain any more weight and that i should even lose some because 'what will happen when i give birth' and well, it's just generally nicer to have a small woman. when did this happen? i've just spent the last five years trying to conform to one trend only to be blown in the face being told it's now the wrong trend. when did Africans start accepting, appreciating and almost start worshipping small women like us?what happened to things like 'african men like big women'. and even apart from the men factor, the big women who used to look down on me with contempt are now fighting to be my size. is there anything in the Bible about small being better than big, (or big being better than small), or has the media gotten to us?

Ladies, i will paraphrase what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes in a few words; - don't rely on these trends!! they are all nothing! this 'skinny is better' trend will pass away as effectively as the 'bigger is better' trend did, and then you'll all be fighting to be i don't know what next. what matters is that you are able to understand what the Lord requires of you, and that you can then obey Him and live for Him. Love yourself the way you are so that you can be able to love others, and be what God wants you to be despite what the trends demand of you. If God wants you to be bigger or smaller, it can be done, but as long as you are fit and healthy, don't go to extremes to be something you are not! it's so not worth it.

Faithful God

I've been away so long that I forgot the password.

I've been away long enough to look back through these posts and declare that we all have evidence of God's faithfulness. I really want to scream but I'll contain myself as is becoming of all bambejja.

Here's a quote from Max Lucado:

Don't march into battle with the enemy without first claiming the courage from God's promises. May I give you a few examples?

When you are confused: " 'I know what I am planning for you,' says the Lord. 'I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you' " (Jer 29:11 NCV).

If you feel weighted by yesterday's failures: "So now, those who are in Christ Jesus are not judged guilty" (Rom 8:1 NCV).

On those nights when you wonder where God is: "I am the Holy One, and I am among you" (Hos 11:9 NCV).

Remain blessed

The contents of this cup

Watch oh saviour
The contents of this cup
Will it be heavier?
I drink of its bitterness
My toungue is numb
My lips are sore
One gallop scrapes my heart
What then is this cup?
Could you take it away?
Watch oh Saviour
The contents of this cup
May i finish to the end

Our deepest desires

I love the Lord because He is a true friend. He understands us better than we understand ourselves and He sees the depths of our beings more clearly than we see the light of day.

God appears to people in their lowest moments just to tell them “I know how you’re feeling, and I’m here for you,” or “Be courageous – you are a winner.” I woke up today and in the book of Acts I read how the Lord encouraged Paul in his trials, telling him that it was not over and that He had work for Paul to do. After Paul had appeared before the Pharisees and Sadducees on what was probably a very stressful day, the Bible tells us that That night, the Lord stood by him and said, Be of good cheer, Paul, for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome. (Acts 23:11.) The way I understand it today is “Paul, I am with you. I’m not done with you yet, and nobody can take you out before your time. Be encouraged.”

I have a friend I haven’t spoken to all year. The last words I heard from her were “Can you call me later?” When I asked for a specific time, she uncomfortably said, “Later.” I understood that she probably needed space, and I gave it to her. After that, I lost her number.

I think about her on and off, just wondering how she is and what is going on with her. I pray for her when she comes to mind. I’ve had two dreams about her this year but overall I’ve been very good about trying to lie low and give her her space. I occasionally go back to times when we prayed together about certain things. Once in a while, I will see something and laugh, and wish I could share it with her because she would get it in a way others probably would not. I tell myself that maybe God has asked her to keep away from me. That sends me on a bit of a guilt trip, because I then ask myself, “Am I the kind of person from whom God would tell others to keep away?”

I had another dream about her last night. A year ago, her life was in a shambles; things were a mess for me, too... I think all of us bambejja were doing some serious "going through." The dream was so vivid and we were so happy that when I opened my eyes, I was disappointed to find that it was just a dream, and said, “God, I’m trying to move on. Why do I keep dreaming about her?”

And God said to me, “Well, I just wanted to let you know she is okay.” And it was right after that that I opened my Bible to the book of Acts and understood that even in the things for which I do not think I need to be comforted, the Lord is always my Faithful Comforter. Maybe I will not hear from her again until we meet in the age to come. Maybe I will. God knows how that will go. Maybe she is going through some tough times and the events and joy in the dream were not literal. Maybe she truly is joyful and having a good time. I hope so. God knows. And He says, regardless of what it looks like, what has happened and what is to come, "She is okay."

He's got her. And I trust Him to keep her! May the Lord continually watch over you, my friend!

kingdom-building motivation

reading this Green Card issue, and remembering what was written about veiled selfishness, i am reminded of someting i always ask myself; what motivated Jesus to want to chase demons out of people? and what motivates me to want to chase demons out of people? the answers to these two questions are still not the same, though they are less different from when i first questioned myself.

first, my answer to the 2nd question was that it is generally a good thing to help people, - God will be pleased with me if i work towards this. later i realised that Chritianity is about being like Jesus, so i thought to myself, chasing the demons away will make me more like Jesus and therefore increase my chances of going to Heaven. fortunately, i found myself in an actual situation of praying for someone through whom demons were manifesting. we prayed until the person was set free, and it was all so cool! so that was my next reason; pride. imagine being called Crystal the demon-chaser. lol. but still later on when God had mercy on me and drew my worship away from myself and back to Him, i got a revelation about His Kingdom. and i thought to myself, 'so this is why Christ did what He did; He was initiating the Kingdom-building business'. so i have thrown myself into it all; when the Church calls us to do seed projects and reach out to the community, i am there; for sure, i want to be like Christ. i pray, i attend the Bible studies, cell, etc, everything that looks like it will help me build God's Kingdom. and when i read about people sitting on thrones next to God, about God saying things like well-done good and faithful servant, i want to work extra hard and be extra good and be extra obedient to Him and do things extra right so He can say the same words to me on that day. who doesn't want to sit on a throne next to God and rule with Him?! but then even after working hard to ensure these promises for myself, at the end of the day, i still feel like God is 'there' and i am way over 'here'. i still feel like i am not 'good enough' and go back to my to-do list to see if i am one step closer to assuring a place right next to Him in Heaven. and sometimes, compared to what others have done, i think i've probably done a lot of good things. but then why the distance? and i remind myself that it is accepting Christ in my heart that pleases God more than my works ever could. i remember that obedience is better than sacrifice. i remember that there is nothing i could ever do or not do that would make God love me more. and then i realise that it is God Himself that i want right now. intimacy with Him. and i wonder, did Christ ever feel this way after all that He did? did He still feel the need to be one with God's heart? but then He is God. He was already one with God's heart. He probably didn't need to do anything more to get there. so then why did He do all those things? why did He roam about the earth trying to build God's Kingdom if that's not what got Him closer to God's heart? then the answer comes;

John 3:16, 'for God so loved the world that He gave His only Son...' ; 1John 4:9, 'this is how God showed His love among us; He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him.' ; 1 John 4:11, 'dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.' ; John 15:9-14, 'as the father has loved me, so have i loved you. now remain in my love. if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as i have obeyed my father's commands and remain in His love...my command is this: Love each other as i have loved you. greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down His life for His friends. you are my friends if you do what i command.' ; plus John 17:3, 21, and 23, and the rest of the chapter, etc.

Love. is this the reason Christ did everything He did? remember 1Cor 13. prophecies will cease, tongues will be stilled, knowledge will pass away, but love is the greatest of the three that will remain. i can do everything by the books;- the seed projects, the Bible studies and all, but if i don't have love... among its characteristics, love is not self-seeking. is it possible that when Jesus was chasing those demons, He was not seeking anything for Himself? that He wasn't even doing it coz He knew His reward was sitting at the right hand of the father at the end of His mission? He said He has loved us the way our father has loved Him, and we can remain in His love by obeying Him. this love, was this His motivation? is it the reason for everything? after all, God is love...

what motivated Jesus to chase demons out of people? what motivates me to want to do the same? i pray that the answers to these questions will become the same. so help me God.

Green Card

It’s truly amazing that even among the supposedly spiritually mature, there is such a thing as a friend with benefits. It’s not necessarily sexual, though it sometimes may be - how else do you explain that 'godly' man who soon insists on sleeping with you? But there are people who will be your friends because they see you as a stepping stone en route to their destination, and the minute you stop being useful to that effect, they cease to be your friend.

I remember one gospel minister telling me that she was supposed to go and give a talk somewhere, but found out that the team that called her did not even want to take care of her accommodation or transport. She refused to go and that’s understandable because these are difficult economic times and to be honest if you call someone to speak on a powerful topic for free, the least you can do is give them bus fare and a place to lay their heads.

When they realized she was not going to go, instead of trying to find even the cheapest means to get her there, they asked her to email them her notes so that they could read from them.

“Those people just wanted to use me,” she said. Thankfully, she spotted it and knowing her, I am sure she told them off.

People will use you, even in the church and you have to be ready to spot the phonies at first sight, or else you will end up embittered and frustrated at the wrong level of the battle. The devil is a liar… that’s all he’s good for and he will even lie to you that you have a friend (or that you don’t have one) so that your purposes are frustrated. I’ve had my own share of users in the past and I know firsthand that it’s important to go slow, and observe people carefully when things are not going their way, because that’s when you will see their true character. Either the phone calls will cease, the love will wax cold and the rumours will begin to flow, or they will continue in tough times to be the same people they have been in the good times.

Blessings, ladies!

Veiled Selfishness

I've been reading and getting blessed and I realized I'm struggling with the “me” factor as well.

I know what God expects of me, at least in this season. My struggle is not so much where He is leading me, but rather what He expects of me. As immature and misplaced as it may sound in the midst of this flow of blessed blog entries, my question for weeks has been, “Why me?” For some time now, I have had this desire to be lost in the crowd, inconspicuous, taking notes with everyone else and yet several times things have happened to thurst me into small, unwanted limelights here and there. Every attempt to hide has backfired.

I long to help in kingdom-building, but I feel like it's for “those people.” The Jaspers, King's Princesses and Crystals who have tilled the ground of their relationship with the Lord and have a “flawless” and “seamless” past that they can look to as backup for their qualification. Sounds ridiculous, right? I realize just how hilarious it is as I type it out.

Kingdom-builders have to look beyond not just their wants (she's dying of cancer but I want a Benz so how do I pray? Healing, Benz, Healing, Benz... Benz!) but also their inadequacies. Selfishness exists also in the form of self-focus, self-doubt, self-pity, low self-esteem and many other self-s. My pastor once said that there is no such thing as a low self-esteem. We all love ourselves too much. The example he gave was of a young woman who cuts herself and says “I hate myself! I'm ugly!” That statement gives her away because if she truly hated herself, she would be glad that she was ugly.

But I digress. Focusing on our inadequacies exposes the fleshly desire for the glorification of the self. At first sight, thinking about our weaknesses might look like humility, but the reality is it is veiled pride that sometimes even causes fear. The reason I ask myself, “Why me?” is because on some level that would have remained undiscovered without the grace of God, I only want to be exposed when I am as “perfect” as I perceive others to be or as I long to be. I don't want anyone to see my weak side.

Many times self-focus is actually the result of covetousness and comparisons - some people go out and do something dramatic because their life is too “drab” and they want to have a testimony to match someone else's.

God is not as interested in our happiness as He is in our holiness. Getting to that point where our desire is to please Him and Him alone is a difficult journey and we will fight this fight every day of our lives on this side of eternity. The flesh has to be killed, and many times, mercilessly so - “So kill (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God).” - Colossians 3:5, AMP.

I copied this verse for the first part, that says “mortify the deeds of the flesh,” in the KJV, but I love that it says here that idolatry is the deifying of self instead of God. Timely word.

Blessings and thanks ladies for the beautiful and encouraging entries - we're never alone.

The Kingdom is growing indeed... cont

Its amazing that people who are on this blog can think soo much alike, go through soo much the same experiences and can share them freely. I am thankful for this blog.

Jasper, i too am at that moment in my life where i find my self continously at God's feet. Sometimes i wonder that i may take soo much time fixing myself and yet not be able to be a neighbour, sister, minister among others. I too reach a point where i get confused and am like do i even understand God's word any more. Do i make sense when God has given me a specific message for someone and i have to pray for them, pray with them and share it with them. There is a certain longing of inadequacy and unquencheable longing that still lingers soo much. No matter how i pray, fast, or even throw myself in the presence of God. So am like, how long will it take to fix me? Do i fix me while still being the kingdom builder?

And just like Cry, am tired of the selfishness and ''ME'' factor in the church. People will go to the mountain to fast and pray 6 months on till God has given them a job while ignoring the sister's child that is bedridden with cancer. Sometimes am like where is the love? Why cant we also tear our clothes for the sake of another person? Why isn't there carrying of one anothers burden any more?

I want to begin a journey of dying to self for the sake of the gospel. In order for God to be revealed, then i have got to die and i mean totally die. Where my senses have fully become his. I am crying to the lord to help me reach a point of death so that its not any more me, but him who takes over.



To Ponder: A life vest on a sinking boat can't help if u don't put it on. Sitting in church won't help you if you don't take the word...and put it on.

The Kingdom is growing indeed

Cry, I am beginning to think we should link, I think we are on the same page in so many ways. Yes, as Christians we have settled to just barely make to heaven. I went to a prayer meeting yesterday and I was sharing on selfishness. I believe that as Christians it has become about us, about how God can see me through, how God can provide this for me....it's a me thing and yet so much is happening in the body Christ that does not please, that doesn't glorify His name...and we are turning the other way. We don't want to make enemies or to offend anyone...besides, salvation is a personal thing right? Well I am tired of that, I am tired of living for me, I am tired of watching and keeping quiet and not using what God has placed in me. I am tired of being selfish and not loving the way I should.

Mordecai told Esther, maybe you were placed in the Kingdom for such a time as this. I don't have to be in everybody's business, don't get me wrong I will not tread where it is not necessary but I will not let those that I can influence get away with just barely making it to heaven.

Been reading the book of Ezra and there is a part where he finds out that the Jews had intermarried and he just tore his clothes and wailed before the Lord in repentance and I was thinking....well...that is extreme Lord! And the Lord told me, how many of my people today have settled in their marriages and who has cried out on their behalf. When the Lord said light shall not mix with darkness, He meant and not just then, even now. I looked around and as Christians the sins that surround us have almost become part of us. We cant even tell yourselves apart. we are not separated enough to feel the heart beat of God.

It's scary I must say, coz then I think where do I draw the line and He says I will take you only where I can sustain you. So I don't pick my fights, He does coz then I know He can win them. We are not here to fight against everything that comes but we can show the way, we can give a sense of direction and where we can lead we will. All we have to do is be available to be used for the glory of our Father in heaven. He alone is Holy.

So I am beginning and unknown journey and the only instructions I have are let no man take my glory. It's about His glory, His people, His chosen ones...I am just honored to be part of it.

the Kingdom is growing, so am i.

i really do identify with Jasper's post down there. somehow, i feel a longing, a calling, a tugging, a something at the bottom of my heart; i wonder where God is leading me too? i wonder what it is.

of late, i am encountering a lot of Christians from various Churches who are marching into a Kingdom-building phase. my friend Joseph explained to me how most of us Christians have been comfortable in a 'house-keeping' phase. the house-keeping lifestyle is the kind where a person gets saved, repents, joins Church, joins a Church ministry, gets a job, works during the weekdays, comes to Church on Sundays, ministers in Church, goes home, goes back to work on Monday, gets married somewhere down the lifeline, gets children, introduces them to Christ, brings the family to Church on Sunday, takes the kids to school on Monday, ... dies and goes to Heaven, safe and sound. in pastor Gary's words, the housekeeping Christians 'get cleansed from their sin by accepting Christ then go to Church and try and hang on to each other long enough so as to still be hanging on when Christ comes back to sort the world out'.

more and more Christians today are becoming Kingdom-builders. the Kingdom builders do what the Church in Acts did. they do what Jesus did. they go out into the world and make disciples of nations. in our world today, that includes entering the spheres of business, media, politics, law, social works, science, the Church itself and so on;- being joseph's and daniel's in our communities, worshipping our God so faithfully such that the laws of the nations will be caused to change when people see us. king darius changed the worship laws in his land after seeing everything about daniel, didn't he?

i want to be a Kingdom-builder. in my quest to do so, i have found that i have to start somewhere, and that somewhere is myself. the ones who will rule with God and have authority over 'nations' are the ones who obey Him. they are the ones who are His friends and good and faithful servants (John 15). the first time i understood this, i thought this was easy. i didn't know the deep-rooted fear i harboured!! i didn't know that i could be so insecure that i'd find it hard to trust that God would ensure 'good' results if i did the unconventional things He told me to. i'd always known that fear is just being scared to do something. now i think fear is the state of not knowing more indepth how much God loves u. it's like the level of fear u have is indirectly proportional to your knowing how much He loves u. i didn't know that i did not trust God with all my heart. i thought i was a good kid! but if i trusted God, it would be easier to step out of my comfort zone and walk on water at least a few steps.

starting with yourself means starting with your whole self. it means continual submission and surrender to God;- i always think i am surrendered until God shows me some unsurrendered hidden area in my life. i'd never have known about some things God finds in my heart if i didn't throw myself at his feet fearlessly coz i know He loves me and wants to work things out in me. i so much want to be one of those Christians whom the gates of hell can not prevail against, but i can not be so, if i let the devil discourage me easily, if i'm sensitive to all the 'insensitive' things people say to me, if i allow depression or confusion or unnecessary sadness in my life;- ie, if i don't cling to God's Words and His promises and His truth about me. i can not be such a Christian if i don't grow up.

now that i want to be a Kingdom-builder, one of my newest goals for life is to see that nothing domintes me except the will of God. so help me God!!

Thank you Lord

I haven't written in so long I am embarrassed and to think I would come here and check to see if there was anything I could drink in.

Thanks for the all the writers that kept writing through the seasons, you kept so many people like me going. I write and would want to write but my fingers were tied...and looking back now I see it was a joy seeing other writers tell me about God and myself in so many ways. It touched my heart and I knew when the time was right I would be writing again. No nothing terribly wrong happened, just days of silence, days where it was just me and the Lord and as ladies I know we all go through those days. Days where we discover our inner selves and re-evaluate our priorities afresh, and begin to see things in a new light. It is necessary for us women because the magnitude of what we handle emotionally, physically and spiritually can't be handled without us knowing our worth. We would just break down.

It is an honour the lord has given us women, to know Him and and know the strength we have and yet not pride in it but rather use it for His glory. That is our mandate, use everything He has given us for His glory and His glory alone!

Let's not complain about the work load, lets be thankful that we have been trusted with it because when we understand we have been trusted with it we will then seek the wisdom from the one who trusts us with it to carry it out like the proverbs 31 woman, for His glory. I feel like going on and on.... He has entrusted us with so much. Ourselves, our families, our country, the nations...they are in our heart we just need to birth them forth.

Lately there is a new longing in my heart for something I have not quite zeroed in on. So I am still searching and waiting and seeking the Lord to open my eyes to His will, His yearning, His heart... Let us stretch out boundaries and go beyond our comfort zones and do the bidding of the Lord. I wrote my title before I started writing and I feel like changing it now coz I am not sure of the relation between the title and the body but, I will let it be. It shows the place I am in now. God has done so many wonderful things for me and I am grateful and thankful and yet there is a part of me that knows that there is so much He requires of me and to whom much is given much is expected and now I feel an air of responsibility to rise up to the place God is calling me to, to take my place and begin to govern with authority for time is running and the Lord is surely coming soon.

Not sure I am making sense but for the record....thank you for writing. Keep doing what the Lord has called you to do. Therein is Grace, Favour and the Nations await!!!!

A Lady After his own heart

Crafted with specialty,
Sparkling in his glory
News feed from Heaven,
How could I beckon his Princess?
Oh, A Princess full of Charm
The King must be satisfied.

A gem so worthy
Her Beauty he will need to behold
Well created for his purpose
The splendor , The glamour
A shine of his touch
She needs the warmth of a Prince

Her Prayers, are but with urgency
She seethes, She groans
My Lord, make haste……..
She mutters, She whispers
Be not belated, My Lord
There is a Lady after your own Heart

God's Letter to a Woman

"When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being.

When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils.

But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man, because your nostrils are too delicate.

I allowed a deep sleep to come over him

so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.

Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity.

From one bone, I fashioned you.

I chose the bone that protects man's life.

I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him,

as you are meant to do.

Around this one bone, I shaped you....... I modeled you.

I created you perfectly and beautifully.

Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile.

You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart.

His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life.

The ribcage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body.

You were not taken from his feet, to be under him,

nor were you taken from his head, to be above him.

You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.

You are my perfect angel.....You are my beautiful little girl.

You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence,

and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart.

Your eyes...don't change them.

Your lips, how lovely when they part in prayer.

Your nose, so perfect in form.

Your hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.

I've held your heart close to mine.

Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely.

He could not See me or touch me. He could only feel me.

So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my Holiness, my Strength, my Purity, my Love, my Protection and Support.

You are special because you are an extension of me.

Man represents my image, woman my emotions.

Together, you represent the totality of God.

So man......treat woman well.

Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me.

What you do to her, you do to me.

In crushing her, you only damage your own heart;

the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father.

Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion

I have given you.

In gentle quietness, show your strength.

In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.

Thinking about Haiti

IN THE SHADOW

Ntokozo Mbambo

I know a place I can always run to
In times of distress confusion and fear
When my enemy surrounds me
I know I'm safe, for you keep me
And hide me in the shadow of your wings

In the shadow of your wings
I know I am safe
In the shadow of your wings
I find relief, for you hold me
And guide me with your righteous hand
I find rest peace of mind
In the shadow of your wings

The Lord is my shield
He's a healer of my soul
He's the tower of strength
My redeemer my keeper
When my heart is filled with sorrow
For you're a lifter of my head
You surround me with favour
And you satisfy my soul...